Do you know what it is to Sonder?

I had a conversation with a friend this week about Safeguarding children and young people and despite the amazing work of Professor Carlene Firmin which has elevated the importance of considering the context in which the harm is happening often we see that the response to children, young people and their families are not as they should be. What this friend and I were discussing was how difficult it can be for some people to comprehend what is happening for a child or young person and respond appropriately when they simply cannot conceive of the situations and circumstances those children and young people find themselves in.

Initially I thought this was a lack of the ability to mentalize, but realised it was more than that……so what is it that leads to this failure to be able to understand what was really happening in others’ lives and the impact that can have on them? None of us can understand fully everyone’s lives and realities, but I personally have seen and experienced way too many examples of people that really cannot see beyond themselves. I started to think what, if anything can be done to change that?

I was looking for something that might help me answer that question and I stumbled across a book called ‘The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows’ by John Koenig which is essentially a collection of words that capture emotions and experiences that are difficult to articulate and it was here that I came across the concept of Sonder.

The full meaning of Sonder is “the profound feeling of realizing that everyone, including strangers passing in the street, has a life as complex as one's own, which they are constantly living despite one's personal lack of awareness of it”.

I figure that if we all try to find that feeling within us when we look at someone else and realise they have a story as unique, complicated and complex as our own it will only make our interactions with that individual better. When we have honed that ability to sonder we can hope that it begins to encourage compassion towards those we meet, helps us shift our perspective and allow us a deeper form of empathy and a sense of care.

Returning to my discussion with my friend – I am hopeful that she will agree that like me she will be advocating that we all Sonder a little more and work on ensuring it encourages our compassion and care for others. Will you?